It was year 2000 when I had this crazy doubt in myself thinking that I was gay. I thought, this was happening to me due to peer influence. I had friends who are utterly out there flaunting how proud they were being gay. I couldn't believe myself that I was like them.
Going back...
When I was 10 years old, I remembered having this summer vacation in our province with my sister. When we arrived there, there's this one family who was renting the vacant apartment who has two daughters. Instantly, since we were kids then, we made friends with them and we became playmates the whole time we were having this vacation.
It was really fun! My summerdays with this girl made it so special that I became too much close with her. I have a really bad memory when it comes to names and faces, I couldn't remember her name. All I could remember was, before our vacation ends, they left without saying goodbye to me. Back then, I was really, really sad...but...as a kid, things passes by easily.
My high school days...
First year high school, new people, new friends, new adventure. Well, my first year in high school was one quite an adventure! Two words! "Math Teacher"!
I was 13 then and had fallen in love with my math teacher. Her beauty captured every inch of my young heart. She was super smart that I was sooo into her. I sent her flowers, chocolates, love letters and truly let her know how I feel towards her. In class, I would stare at her the whole time, draw her in my graphic notebook. My world just revolves around her.
All of my classmates and other teachers witnessed my insanity that almost all of them talked me out of it. They were saying, "you're a pretty young girl, you'll meet boys", "focus on your studies, make your parents proud", they practically told me everything that would change my mind. But, what should I do? All I know was that I like her, I love being with her, I love the feeling of floating in the air everytime I was near her. I always felt the electricity everytime her skin would accidentally touched mine. When she looks at me, I melted. That's all I know, that's all I can feel.
Though, I never listened to my friends and teachers, there comes my math teacher. I guess she had enough already of my foolishness and gave me this letter. The letter that crashed my world around her. One line that I could remember that she wrote in that letter, "you're still young, you'll have lots of friends, you'll find true love. If you really love me, you'll let go and focus on things you must do." remembering those lines...I think now, I was tricked! LOL!
To end that story, I let go of that heavenly feeling I was having with her. It truly broke my heart, but I had to do what I had to do. After I graduated high school, I heard that she left teaching for good and entered the convent. I must have been traumatized her! He-he-he!
When that happened to me, I really don't have any idea what homosexuality means. All I know was homosexuals are only those of men who wears girls dress and likes men too. I am illiterate of female homosexuals, so I thought, what I felt with my math teacher was normal.
During my teenage life we have this pretty neighbor we had. I remembered watching her walk, waiting for her to pass by. And she arrived, I would say hello to her...it was totally "kiligfull!" But of course, that's just it.
Then I went to college...
It was my first day in college and again, this was about meeting new people, new adventure. My college days went on the right direction...I guess. Regular boy-girl relationships was there but not serious. My parents told me that I was allowed to have a boyfriend only after I graduated college. So...my college relationships was a secret. hehehe!
I have this one particular guy that I was fond of having around all the time. He became the reason of me going to class AN HOUR early to meet him. We just blends together. We would just stay in our room talking, laughing...it was really cute. We had fun doing together, we entered this singing contest in school, I sang my piece and he sang his composition dedicated to me. That was really sweet.
But of course, like my high school Filipino teacher told me, "nothing is permanent in this world, even feelings"...the spark went off...we just went on different ways...
Throughout my college years, I've had couple of friends. It was quite a long journey.
So one friend I had...she was the one who actually influenced me being in a homosexual journey. It all started her, telling me what happened between her and her best friend in a comfort room. Then, watching together "GIA", my first gay movie watched with her. That's my first Angelina Jolie movie watch. That's the first movie where I watched two female having intimate moments with each other. The movie was great!
Watching movie after movie. My friend encountered people where she truly became more experienced in that kind of world. As for me, all I encountered was her story. Every Single Detail!
Going back to my first statement. I never thought that I was like them. I asked myself everytime, am I like them, or was I just got influenced of doing things that I am really not?
Present...
"show me your friends, and I will tell you who you are"
I am now detached with people I called friends because of our differences. My so-called friends were not my friends anymore. Being not friends with them gives me a little answer if I am truly what I am practicing now. Am I Gay? Still, have no clear answer. So, really? Can you tell who am I or what am I now?
All about me...
Since year 2000, I've had relationships with the same sex. The first experiences I had was experimental. It was done out of curiosity. I was looking for answers. What was it like? Is it really possible? Is this really me?
Two, three relationships, it was really fun! I was really surprised that I wasn't freaked out about what I was doing.
On fourth (i think...i lost count eh) I had this first SERIOUS relationship with this person who's 3 years older than me. It all started as friendship and then eventually moved on a higher level. Of course, I initiated it. It lasted 8 months.
Then, there goes another...lasted 6 months.
Then, back to being playfull...
Then back to serious for 7 months...ended.
Then now, turning 8 months on July 4, 2009.
Hey! There's no pattern here! It looks like there is...but there's none! hehehe! If there is...it ends here and now! hehehe
You must be wondering, why am I still asking if I'm living my gay life in or outside the closet...
It is known in my family that I have a boyish personality (boyish meaning tough gal). I am boyish who loves wearing sexy clothes and high heels! My relatives would always asked "hey, how many girlfriends do you have na, or where is your girlfriend" which I didn't confirmed to them that I have a girlfriend. To them it was all a joke.
My siblings knew my past relationships with the same sex, my aunt (mother's side) met some of my few exes, they never saw me accompanied by a man.
My grandma often told her student every time they saw us together and would asked her to introduce them to me "matakot kayo diyan, tomboy yan!"
I even told my mom once because of complicated circumstances that I had a girlfriend (but of course I told her that I was not the one who initiated the relationship....i was young then..hehehe).
In my workplace, all of my workmates, even my boss knew that I am gay.
In fact, all the people around me knew that I like women than men. Still, my parents would ask their friends to find me a man for me to get married already.
I am not questioning my sexuality now. With all the experiences I've had, with all the readings I took, with all the story lines i've watched on television about homosexuality, that's me! I am comfortable of acting that way. Yes. I am gay! Am I proud to be gay? I should be.
The only question that's left in me is:
Am I Out? I need to know. I can't answer it by myself.
The only reason why I am in doubt is because of my parents. I've told my mom once, at home I acted as one of the guys, they always caught me staring at pretty ladies, my dad even catch my attention to check out if the lady whose walking is wearing a thong or not! And yet, I am still in doubt. Are they blinding themselves with the truth? Do I need to say it again? I really don't know what to do. Or maybe, I should keep my mouth shut and just say nothing. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to disappoint them.
Right now, being myself is not easy. When I'm outside the house, I am myself. When I'm at home, a totally different person lives there. It makes me really unhappy.
